I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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