I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize