oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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