u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
