I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I will pee on everything he values.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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