I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize