Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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