Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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