is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
