Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
