Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
