Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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