I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
