goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
