Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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