OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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