guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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