just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
