I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
