Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just threw up on my dentist
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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