I can text with my tongue
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
