do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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