so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You pole danced in your parka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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