Im at strip club and am horny
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
