just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
