I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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