Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
