i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
