But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
