it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
