Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
