im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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