You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
