Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
