peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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