i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
