May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
