Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
