Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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