and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
