I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
