hotel room ftw
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
