Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
