My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
