You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
God, I missed his penis.
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