I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
