i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
