You made me cry and you don't even care
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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