I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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