I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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