i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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