I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
