If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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