is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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