i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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