he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
