my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
