best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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