I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
