Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
