i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize