I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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